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People is allus sayin' whut a fine Playwrit this gent Shakespeare is. But I'm here t' tell yuh, th' man is nuthin' but a damned Thief!
I paid 2 whole Nickels t' see th'aforementioned Production, namely "Ham Let", & after half an hour I was so mad I could spit nails! & worst of all, when I commenced t' holler & demand my Money back, they threw me out! Right in th' mud o' Texas Street, & yuh all know jist how filthy thet is!
Well I mean t' say! Take thet "t' be er not t' be" speech. Now I ain't no shiny-domed Eastern Perfesser, but I cain't count how many times I seen some ol' soak Actor do thet'un on stage. & this varmint Shakespeare has th' nerve t' put it in his Play? Get out th' tar & feathers, boys!
Or how 'bout thet line, "He was a man, I shall not see his like agin." If'n yuh've bin to's many funerals as I have, yuh know thet'un gits sayed 'most ever time some high-rollin' pocket-liner er purse-mouthed pulpit-pounder goes t' meet his Maker. (Jist betwixt yuh & me, it ain't never impressed me none when th' sky pilot drags it out, & I has my doubts it cuts no ice with th' Lord, either.)
Howsomever, th' point is, anyone who takes thet ol' chestnut & sets it in a Play has brass balls, & big'uns too! & thin they charges good hard Money t' sees it!
Yuh want t' know jist how far this Polecat Shakespeare went? How 'bout th' line, "Thar er more things in Heaven & Earth, Horatio, than er dreamt of in yer Philosophie." Thet's right! This unprincipled word-walloper put a feller in th' Play named Horatio, jist so's he could steal thet!
Now I'll allow as how th' Sets & th' Costumes was elygent. Yessirree, mighty elygent. & the Actors, 'specially thet thar Mel Gibson feller & Miss Glenn Close, performed so fine yuh could almost pertend yuh was watchin' a real Play.
But I didn't pay 2 hard-earned Nickels jist t' see purty Costumes & Sets, not nohow I didn't. I paid t' see me a Play! & if stringin' t'gether a bunch o' common sayin's thet yuh kin hear in ev'ry Bunkhouse, Saloon, & Church makes a Play, thin I'm a Blackfoot Injun!
P.S. Dear Marty: Be a pard & clean up my spellin' afore yuh prints this, will yuh? I never could spell "Epitaf" less'n I had a copy in front o' me, & the Black Republicans in these hyar Parts mostly use it in thar out houses. So I ain't seed a copy in weeks. — DM
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